Lunch is freaking me out, today

I’m freaking out

Are you freaking out

Or is it just me

It’s oily

It’s frozen

It’s cheese

It’s dairy

It’s freaking me out!

Oh not you?

So it’s just me

That’s great.

Dairy

Oil

Why lord why?

They say it’s nutrients

It’s good for you

I say the hell you talking about

This is good for you

I eat it I eat it

But I have to chant along in my head

It’s good for you, it won’t hurt me.

Because lord almighty if I let ED talk

I know she’ll bark orders

and blame and shame me to a dark corner

There’s no hiding

Bc I did it fucking eating disorder

I finished the scary meal

Now what’s it to you

Ya I know I’m still thinking about it

But I conquered it

More than I can say about you

With your goal of restructuring and restricting my mind, soul and body

That’s never been

or will be yours

I wish someone told me, bc look at me now

I wish someone told me

I wish someone saw

That I was trying to get done

To finish the race

As if I could have won

I wish someone told me

It’s not a comparison game

You’ll be done when it’s your time

Not when ED tells you it’s right

I wish someone told me

2021 doesn’t have to be the cut off date

You can work through another year or two

Recovery isn’t linear

And you too can heal

As an adult

You deserve this

Just as much as any adolescent does too

I wish someone told me

It’s okay to struggle

To feel

To heal

And not in some bogus way either

But for real

I wish I heard someone when telling me

Take your time

Heal

Feel

Let those emotions flow out

And just be all real

But ED became the muffler

I heard none of it

And in return I faked it

And painted a beautiful canvas

Until it looked like I made it

And look where I’m at now

I’m stubborn, he’s stubborn. ED just shut up

Why am I stubborn

Why do I feel this need

This desire

I must be this way

Can I change?

I ponder and wander

Will this ever end

I’m hungry.

Shut up!

I’m dizzy.

Stop that!

These migraines…

Oh shush…!,

There’s no need for that

Let’s go out

Time to explore

But then there’s this

Then there’s that and more

Maybe we should just stay indoors

What’s my weight

What’s my score

Am I sick enough?

Once more..

See me

But no body does

I must explain it to everybody

And who wants to do that

Not me that’s for sure

Treatment 7 times

No thank you

But she says for some it takes that much

But I’m better than that

Aren’t I

For at least that’s what I told Ed

Last year

Do I need treatment

Can I do this on my own

Why is this voice taketh over me

This pesky little thing

It feels so big

I’m bigger than that

I’m older and wiser

So why do I feel victim

To him

Like he’s another captor

To him I speakth of is my ED

EATING DISORDER

For those who don’t know

I’m annoyed

I’m bewildered

I’m frustrated

And I’m pent up

Full of anger

Why can’t I control him

He’s so annoying

I feel psychotic

Why must I have an Eating Disorder

Or why must it have me

Just once more

One more meal

You can do it

My mind says track it

My body says attack it

My mental illness wants to deprive me

I’m withering

You must finish those groceries you bought

It speaks

Then i eat it

It speaks again

Shovel down those laxatives

Shovel down those garcinia cambogia pills

It speaks again

You’ll feel much better

& can start again tomorrow

It’ll all be worth it

It speaks on a continuum

One more step

One more meal

One more day

That’s what they all say

I want out

It’ll be easier to just get out

I know I need help

But what if my ED convinces me

I’m better off with it

I can’t live without it

Wither me away

Drop the weight

Control the emotions

& control situations

With your food

Once more

& another

& I’m back into it

It’s never ending

And before you know it

A relapse

Is a vicious never ending cycle

There’s no way out

Will there ever be freedom?

Will there ever be a light?

Will I ever be happy?

& will I ever be alright?

Never just me, always my body.

I’m never enough,

I might as well be skin and bones.

Fooled me once

& fooled me again

why do I come back?

I’m crying now.

I’m always just a body,

Never the chosen lucky treasure!..

He says “I mean if the opportunity arises.”

Fuck you.

Why should I be around that energy

Or allow it.

I feel myself slipping

I’m just a body, always a fucking body.

Never a full person to anyone I’m interested in

At least not for long.

But, what about me?

I don’t like this body.

So what now?

Fuck me.

I’m slipping…

My ED is taking over me.

I’m trying to play it cool

Till insurance in January comes through

But at this rate

Who knows..

I thought he was a light.,

After my darkness before.

A friend, I understand

But better opportunities?, fuck me.

I’m chopped liver.,

If you have another opportunity come

& you take it!

That means I wasn’t good enough,

I’m shit,

I mean,

At this rate…

At least it makes since on how my illness thinks of my body/me.

I don’t know if I can wait.

I don’t know if I can keep the healthy facade on anymore.

I’m spinning…,

I’m spiraling…,

And I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time.,

But I know this illness will kill me,

If I stop fighting..

And tonight is a night that’s not making my fight

So easy

& making the fight seem,

less worth it;

Recovery

Recovery isn’t easy

Recovery can be hell

Recovery is a journey

And that isn’t paved out well

You must be open

You must be aware

You must understand that life isn’t fair

You got this no doubt

But remember to not leave out

The ones along the way

whom helped you to this day

Recovery isn’t easy

Recovery can be hell

Recovery is a journey

A journey that is one you’ll concur and overcome

Coming out stronger then you ever believe you could

Just keep the faith

Remember to choose life

And never lose sight

Of your light

And might

to continue on

and leave your mark

Your mighty strong

And a resilient one

I believe in you

And love you all

I love y’all and you got this and I got this and we got this!!!:)

Nobody sees

Nobody knows

Nobody sees how I’m feeling

or how I show

I feel.. my body… = not enough.., for you.?!..

I hate this

I used to be so confident with my body

Now it’s gone

I used to not care what people thought

Or saw

I was me and happy to be me

I wore swimsuits with confidence

Not worrying or upset ,

Because of the worlds comments

Why do they hold so much significance

Why do I compare

And now I feel insecure

For him I feel like I’ll never be enough

He looks at those

I’m never going to be that

these are not those

And this body is NOTHING like those

His words can be said

But his actions speak louder

Don’t comment

Don’t like

Don’t love and drool on those

But say it doesn’t matter

You screenshot that

You never screenshot this

You desire all that

When authentically I’m all this

Which feels like nothing

Your actions Drapes over all thy words

I know you desire that body

My body will never be

Without plastic surgery

I’m just petite

I desire

I love

I fall wildly

But none of it matters

If I feel like I’ll always be lacking for your taste and desire

For that I could never fully fill

I’m stuck patiently

My desire exceeds all exterior

I’m all in for your character

I’m not superficial

I don’t need much

But whether words spoken with friends as bro’s

Or not

They’re said and I hear

They’re looks and I see

They’re longings and I feel

They’re saved and I’m unseened