Tag: #relationships

Lunch is freaking me out, today

I’m freaking out

Are you freaking out

Or is it just me

It’s oily

It’s frozen

It’s cheese

It’s dairy

It’s freaking me out!

.

Oh not you?

So it’s just me

That’s great.

Dairy

Dairy

Dairy

Oil

Oil

Oil

Why lord why?

.

They say it’s nutrients

It’s good for you

I say the hell you talking about

This is good for you

I eat it I eat it

But I have to chant along in my head

It’s good for you, it won’t hurt me.

Because lord almighty if I let ED talk

I know she’ll bark orders

and blame and shame me to a dark corner

.

There’s no hiding

Bc I did it fucking eating disorder

I finished the scary meal

Now what’s it to you

Ya I know I’m still thinking about it

But I conquered it

More than I can say about you

With your goal of restructuring and restricting my mind, soul and body

That’s never been

or will be yours

I wish someone told me, bc look at me now

I wish someone told me

I wish someone saw

That I was trying to get done

To finish the race

As if I could have won

.

I wish someone told me

It’s not a comparison game

You’ll be done when it’s your time

Not when ED tells you it’s right

.

I wish someone told me

2021 doesn’t have to be the cut off date

You can work through another year or two

Recovery isn’t linear

And you too can heal

As an adult

You deserve this

Just as much as any adolescent does too

.

I wish someone told me

It’s okay to struggle

To feel

To heal

And not in some bogus way either

But for real

.

I wish I heard someone when telling me

Take your time

Heal

Feel

Let those emotions flow out

And just be all real

But ED became the muffler

I heard none of it

And in return I faked it

And painted a beautiful canvas

Until it looked like I made it

And look where I’m at now

I’m stubborn, he’s stubborn. ED just shut up

Why am I stubborn

Why do I feel this need

This desire

I must be this way

Can I change?

.

I ponder and wander

Will this ever end

I’m hungry.

Shut up!

I’m dizzy.

Stop that!

These migraines…

Oh shush…!,

There’s no need for that

.

Let’s go out

Time to explore

But then there’s this

Then there’s that and more

Maybe we should just stay indoors

.

What’s my weight

What’s my score

Am I sick enough?

Once more..

.

See me

See me

But no body does

I must explain it to everybody

And who wants to do that

Not me that’s for sure

.

Treatment 7 times

No thank you

But she says for some it takes that much

But I’m better than that

Aren’t I

For at least that’s what I told Ed

Last year

.

Do I need treatment

Can I do this on my own

Why is this voice taketh over me

This pesky little thing

It feels so big

I’m bigger than that

I’m older and wiser

So why do I feel victim

To him

Like he’s another captor

.

To him I speakth of is my ED

EATING DISORDER

For those who don’t know

I’m annoyed

I’m bewildered

I’m frustrated

And I’m pent up

Full of anger

.

Why can’t I control him

He’s so annoying

I feel psychotic

Why must I have an Eating Disorder

Or why must it have me

I’m ready to leave

I’m ready to leave

It’s the end of all

I’m ready to leave

Fuck them boys

They’re childish

& never want a real one

I’m ready to leave

There’s no men in sight

I’m ready to leave

I don’t feel loved

Or enough inside

I’m ready to leave

And that’s that so here I go

Goodbye

No more needs to be said

There I go again

I’m putting up with your crap

But better check again

Because I won’t allow this anymore

.

You leave me in tears

You fight with me

You trigger me

You say one thing then say you didn’t

You drive me crazy

and insane

and just everything

.

I come back from nyc

You choose her

when I’m out of state

And I’m suppose to be ok

With being cut off cold turkey

Ok

.

Are you another?

Bc I’ve never

Never gotten to this degree of actions done

But I’m done

I’m speaking up and out

I won’t stand for this anymore

And if that means I’m gone for good

Then so be it

.

Because your not worth it

Not worth my life

Not worth my happiness

Not worth me feeling the way I do

Just not worth it

But why do I keep allowing you back in

Tomorrow?..

I feel like no matter what

I’m

Fuc*ed

I feel.. my body… = not enough.., for you.?!..

I hate this

I used to be so confident with my body

Now it’s gone

I used to not care what people thought

Or saw

I was me and happy to be me

I wore swimsuits with confidence

Not worrying or upset ,

Because of the worlds comments

Why do they hold so much significance

Why do I compare

And now I feel insecure

For him I feel like I’ll never be enough

He looks at those

I’m never going to be that

these are not those

And this body is NOTHING like those

His words can be said

But his actions speak louder

Don’t comment

Don’t like

Don’t love and drool on those

But say it doesn’t matter

You screenshot that

You never screenshot this

You desire all that

When authentically I’m all this

Which feels like nothing

Your actions Drapes over all thy words

I know you desire that body

My body will never be

Without plastic surgery

I’m just petite

I desire

I love

I fall wildly

But none of it matters

If I feel like I’ll always be lacking for your taste and desire

For that I could never fully fill

I’m stuck patiently

My desire exceeds all exterior

I’m all in for your character

I’m not superficial

I don’t need much

But whether words spoken with friends as bro’s

Or not

They’re said and I hear

They’re looks and I see

They’re longings and I feel

They’re saved and I’m unseened