Tag: #dealing

Lunch is freaking me out, today

I’m freaking out

Are you freaking out

Or is it just me

It’s oily

It’s frozen

It’s cheese

It’s dairy

It’s freaking me out!

.

Oh not you?

So it’s just me

That’s great.

Dairy

Dairy

Dairy

Oil

Oil

Oil

Why lord why?

.

They say it’s nutrients

It’s good for you

I say the hell you talking about

This is good for you

I eat it I eat it

But I have to chant along in my head

It’s good for you, it won’t hurt me.

Because lord almighty if I let ED talk

I know she’ll bark orders

and blame and shame me to a dark corner

.

There’s no hiding

Bc I did it fucking eating disorder

I finished the scary meal

Now what’s it to you

Ya I know I’m still thinking about it

But I conquered it

More than I can say about you

With your goal of restructuring and restricting my mind, soul and body

That’s never been

or will be yours

I wish someone told me, bc look at me now

I wish someone told me

I wish someone saw

That I was trying to get done

To finish the race

As if I could have won

.

I wish someone told me

It’s not a comparison game

You’ll be done when it’s your time

Not when ED tells you it’s right

.

I wish someone told me

2021 doesn’t have to be the cut off date

You can work through another year or two

Recovery isn’t linear

And you too can heal

As an adult

You deserve this

Just as much as any adolescent does too

.

I wish someone told me

It’s okay to struggle

To feel

To heal

And not in some bogus way either

But for real

.

I wish I heard someone when telling me

Take your time

Heal

Feel

Let those emotions flow out

And just be all real

But ED became the muffler

I heard none of it

And in return I faked it

And painted a beautiful canvas

Until it looked like I made it

And look where I’m at now

No more needs to be said

There I go again

I’m putting up with your crap

But better check again

Because I won’t allow this anymore

.

You leave me in tears

You fight with me

You trigger me

You say one thing then say you didn’t

You drive me crazy

and insane

and just everything

.

I come back from nyc

You choose her

when I’m out of state

And I’m suppose to be ok

With being cut off cold turkey

Ok

.

Are you another?

Bc I’ve never

Never gotten to this degree of actions done

But I’m done

I’m speaking up and out

I won’t stand for this anymore

And if that means I’m gone for good

Then so be it

.

Because your not worth it

Not worth my life

Not worth my happiness

Not worth me feeling the way I do

Just not worth it

But why do I keep allowing you back in

Tomorrow?..

I feel like no matter what

I’m

Fuc*ed