Author: Kylie Jo

Hey y'all, I'm Kylie Jo! This is my life without filter. All Poetry is personally written and this is my heart! It may seem a bit goofy or weird on here, but honestly that's just me! This is a raw and vulnerable space expressing my journey. I express eating disorder recovery, emotional/sexual abuse and assault, love and friends and so much more in my poetry and words expressed. If anything provokes you and you ever need any help or guidance don't be afraid to email me. I'm here for you! Love ya'll!

#REAL TALK (July 6th, 2019)

Let’s be honest for a minute

Our bodies are the talk of the town

These days

As ladies

Everything matters

What are they wearing

What’s our hair like

Smell like

Makeup like

Everything we do matters

How much skin we showing or not

And lately for the past month

I haven’t been feeling well

And because of society

Guess where I went first

I ignored the fact I could be getting bigger

I had engraved in my mind

Models must be tiny

Models must be tall

Etc etc

It took over me

Since I’m at the stage of life I’m trying to pursue this

I couldn’t fathom that recovering from an eating disorder

Almost a year worth of freedom

Would mean I may gain some tum weight

No I thought I was pregnant

I was certain

Test after test

Then I get hung up on that

Upset

What is this

So to tell you some more information

I’ve been sick for about a month

And I have yet to figure out what it is

So scared to what it could be

A child was a easy thought

Even though there wasn’t really a way

So what I’m getting at

We live in a world that we feel like

We must blame our weight and things we do

On everything else but the obvious natural growth process

Because we want to be miss little perfection

But we are just the way we are

I’ve been trying to be something I’m not

For quite some time

Wearing what I thought men want to see

Restricting to not deal with my feelings truly

Instead of eating whatever I want whenever I want

And wearing whatever I want and makes me the most comfortable and beautiful

Like I am now

And let me just say it’s a process

It’s almost been a year

And I’m still trying to get the hang of it all

Especially the clothing part

It’s hard

No joke

But being your true self

Honestly is the most freeing

And most beautiful you could ever be

Then when you try to act like something your not

So yes I eat 3 meals for lunch some days and other days only snacks

But I’m listening to my body

And yes I’m wearing more flowy clothes

Bigger, gypsy, bohemian, Bell bottom type clothes

Because I’m listening to my comfortability and body

I may not get the same attention as others will

I may not have the biggest breast

The curvy body

The “classic girl” clothes

But at least I’m not faking it anymore

I’m being the authentic KY

flowy tops maybe even 3 sizes to big tops

It’s not the normal style now days

But it makes me feel the most safe

Freeing

And protected

And Id rather no longer be on guard on the daily

But be me and see who sticks around

So that’s been me lately

And this is me sharing my heart

I love y’all for taking the time to come to my page and get to stay toon

May your day be blessed!

Love sincerely Kylie jo

#realtalk #vunerable #mylife #myjourney #thisisme

My love, dating away.

The love of my life

Is going on a date

 

He ask me to give him space

He’s a guy who needs space

Then he finds a girl

To take on a date

 

What am I doing here

What is going on

 

It’s like our talk we had in May

Is voided

And now the feelings are gone

 

But for me

Very much alive

And very strong

 

I’m upset

And he is not

I guess I can see

That our love

Was not equally in depth

🥰Confession I’m Madly In Love With You!🥰

I love him

I really really love him

I love him like my mom,

Loved her first true love

My dad

 

I love him so much

I sometimes don’t think the word

Love

Expresses my feelings enough

 

I feel like I’m going crazy

Now, I know my true feelings

I can’t stop thinking about them

I love him so much

 

I smile just thinking about him

I laugh thinking upon memories

I love to do things for him without hesitation

I flirt with him to keep it alive

I play around with him to keep it young and goofy

I dream for that next moment

I get to be with him

 

He’s all I’ve ever wanted

I’m crazy about him

this love game

Is so wildly strong

And it’s hard for me to control it

 

Dear Mum

I love him like you loved dad

How you fell for my dad, maybe even more

I can’t explain it,

being away is good

but when we’re together its great.

As long as I know of our love for one another, nothing breaks.

Ugh I can’t shake this

 

And

 

Dear Mom

I love your son more than anything in the world,

I could not ever imagine

loving someone more

than him.

Thank you for raising

such a perfect man for me!

He has my heart and

I will cherish his.

Process of Healing

I’m kind of lost

I’m overwhelmed with feelings

I know what’s right

I know what’s wrong

I’m aware

But I’m also working on it

Saying no

Standing my ground

Being okay with loosing people

I’m swimming in feelings

Feelings of years of experience

Shoved down, hidden, blocked and ignored

I’m dealing

Trying to slowly

That’s a lot to finally deal with

People shorting me

With words,

Judgements ,

Actions,

Life

Doesn’t help me

But I’m also dealing

With the now,

Then,

And in between

Have patience with me

Please

In this time

I’m trying my best

Short or harsh

I try not to be

Loving or purposeful

I do try

Not always easy

But I love

I care

I appreciate

And I hope they’ll see

This isn’t how I’ll always be

Healing takes time

Healing is a journey

And healing is within me

My Recoverer Mindset and WORDS WORDS WORDS!!!

Life is hard but then again no one said it would be easy. We have to dig to the pits of our souls to overcome some of the things that we’ve shut down so far below. It’s not an easy process, boy do I understand believe me!

💞

*This healing process from recovery.

*This healing process from these emotions & these feelings.

*This healing process from past experiences and all these things that I’ve shut down throughout the years and decades now have to come up to the surface.

*There’s no longer any hiding

*There’s no longer any secret savings

*There’s no longer any, I’ll deal with it later. Let’s play happy go lucky, there’s no more of that.

🤟🏻

Life is hard! Trust me when I say on the outside everything always looks just fine but on the inside is where I had my battle ground and I was fighting and fighting just to stay happy and alive.

💗

Life is a struggle at times.

Life can be hard sometimes.

It’s hard to look on the positive bright side sometimes.

It’s harder to just live day by day sometimes.

It’s harder to stick a spoonful of food in your mouth just one more spoon full.

Sometimes it’s hard to overcome and face these fears.

Sometimes it’s hard to face your enemies, these past memories that you need to overcome. Trust me I’m right there with you.

Although this is hard I’ve seen these past few days how happy it does make you feel, it hurts and it leaves scratches but not scars.

💝

You heal and it’s a process but you heal!

It’s one that’s not done overnight.

It’s one where you really find your true friends and then the toxic friends and the toxic Family. And although it’s hard for me to agree to this or think it’s OK you have the right and you get to live the life that you wish no matter what others have to say or how they tell u to live.

Under there roof or not.

In the end…

Your life is your rules!!

If that means you have to kick some toxic people out of your life, then it’s something you must do.

We don’t need any negativity.

We don’t need any hurt.

We are already battle within ourselves,

Our mental health is a must to be pure, clean and full of positivity!

Trust me these past few days has been anything but easy.

I faced a lot of demons and I’m still facing them today.

I’ve shut things so low below the surface that I thought I was healed and overcame them and I had to tell myself a lie that I was healed when really all I was doing was telling myself a lie. 💔

This journey is a process we must not lie to ourselves just so we feel complete and whole because we can be complete and whole within ourselves the truth in overcoming it is not to be alone but find a core group and confide in them, a bff or mentor. And always remember God is there to help you!

💓

This week I faced a lot of fears and came to lot of conclusions but that does not mean that I’ve healed from them or that I have fully face them. That just means that I have acknowledge them and I’m trying

I’m doing my best and I’m being blunt and I’m living the best way that I can with protecting myself and healing.

🤟🏻

So if it’s a fear food(s) for you, if it’s healing from pass abuse, If it’s narcotics, if it’s relationships, no matter what it is you can face it!

I’m facing it today and still going strong!

I have my highs and lows and I get upset and tenderhearted. But I don’t allow that to stop me! I surround myself with three core friends ones that are there to support me and help me and guard me and love me and no matter how much negativity or how much fighting or how much hiding. No matter what I throw their way they’re there to support me. I think it’s vital for us, we recovers to have a core group that we can come to and trust in and confide in and love and not be ridiculed or judged.

😘

Today is a new day!

Healing is coming!

You got this!

You woke up today and that’s the first step. It may of been hard and maybe troublesome and maybe scary. But whatever you’re facing today you will be able to overcome it this I believe. I’ve overcome some very dark things that I don’t really let anyone know about. I am a very private person but I’ve come to see, that is not the best to hide everything from everyone.

😍

It’s OK to release some things and yes it’s scary and yes it’s frightening and yes the what if questions keep popping in your head and so much more. You’re not expressing it to the world, you’re not giving every fine detail to everyone. You may express a thing or two to the world but they don’t know the fine details that got you to that point or what you did or how you took care of it or did not take care of it.

🥰

Those details are the ones that you save for your core group maybe you just want to express one thing about the recovery to the world and then it’s the core group that gets to hear every detail that’s up to you. But you must choose self-love and self worth today!Keep that positivity growing within you and within side you every being and be the light today!You never know, you could be being the lifeline for someone else and if someone is struggling in this darkness, you may need to be the light. God‘s got you and I know that’s hard to believe sometimes when you’re feeling so low and down and out and you see nowhere with light in sight. But God‘s got you and your core friends got you and if you need me you have me.

What do you see?

It’s sad how the world looks at each other. Most people don’t bother to get to the point to see someone’s beautiful personality or even just take a moment and examine the other persons soul. They see either a sexy body and face and go from there.

*What ever happened to the good old fashioned ways of life?

*What ever happened to loving someone for whom they are not what they look like?

*What ever happened to falling head over heels for someone by simply looking into someone’s eyes?

*WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU USUALLY SEE IN SOMEONE?

#personality #whatdoyouses #mindset #positivethinking #bodies #bopo #souls #heart #mind #love #oldfashioned

You will grow back!

Has anyone ever been hurt by someone or torn down or feel broken? We all have our moments and it’s very easy for a recoverer of anything to retreat back into what they struggled with when they get deeply hurt. Trust me I know this first hand. But I want to say how proud I am for you for sticking your ground and not going back, you may of thought about it or even tried but you knew the best route in the end and you chose life and healing and recovery and with that I am proud of you and love you! Choose health and choose self love!-message to myself and my followers

💞

I’ve been stepped upon, crushed even and I may came out of it hurt and bruised but I also came out a even stronger and more powerful woman and I grew back with even more fierceness! It’s possible and you got this lovely!:)

#flowers #steppedon #growingback #sowilli #itiswell #growth #healing #trusttheprocess #mindset #neda #past #youarestrong #youarestrongerthanyouthink #youreamazing #youareloved #yougotthis #thebeautyyouseek #itsyou

My Hearts Cry..

Deeply personal and want only positive vibes. Please and thank you.

Has any Of y’all dealt with abuse of any kind. Assault of any kind. Or rape. Is it hard for you to see that person that did that to you, even pictures? Or the clothes you wore. The topic/subject. I’ve been through dating a narcissistic man and emotional abusive man, been raped, sexual and physically assaulted and I at times feel naïve and a child to not have seen it coming. I just saw a photo of someone who has done that to me recently and I’m really struggling. Now I know we can’t see it when we’re in it, and we freeze or even drugged. But womanly nature we ask ourselves why and what if. Sadly.. tonight y’all I’m just really struggling and don’t want this to reflect onto with my eating. Does anyone struggle in such ways as I explained?

#yourfeelingsarevalid #mindset #abusesurvivor #rapesurvivor #personalpoetry #mypoetry #myheartscry #abuseawareness #rapeawareness #neda #mentalhealth #poetry #outcome #why #help #rollercoaster #feelings #feelingfeelings #deeplypersonal #sorrynotsorry

Recovery is a process

I have a lot of people in my life who tend to not understand this. And I don’t blame them or can even be mad. It’s not there fault, it’s not like they’ve been in my shoes. But it is hard. 🤟🏻

Recovery of any form is a process and not one just taken care of over night or even in 5 months. This is what I wish people understood. Health may be good externally but have you ever tried to look deeper internally with someones mental status of health? 🙄

If someone whose struggles with ED before has a day where they don’t want to eat 5 plus meals a day. Don’t hound them to. It’s a process just like anything else. You’re not wrong if, somedays you choose to eat 2 meals then the next 6 then the next 3 and so on. You’re doing the best that you can. And that’s quite beautiful in its self.

😘

Now I know it hurts when naive comments are being made. Trust me I do. And it’s so easy when those comments are made to retreat and fall backwards again too. But look how far you’ve come and how far you can be even in a few months more and let that be the fuel to keep you from reversing opposed to fast forwarding!

🥰

Trust me I’m on this road with you as much as the next guy. And I tend to suppress these feelings for others to not see and I hide. But no more shall I do this. I choose to fully live out my life to the fullest and if along the way I’m too blunt and my recovery hurts you. I’m sorry. Please let me know, I don’t bite. But I also have to do what’s best for me and not to allow others to walk over me anymore.

🙌🏻

Now I love y’all so much and hope y’all can understand!:) stay positive and choose a life well spent!:)

#orthorexia #orthorexiaisntajoke #orthorexiawarrior #foodprobs #loveyourself #choosejoy #recoveryisaprocess #recoveryisreal #othersmaynotunderstand #youmatter #yourfeelingsarevalid #iloveyou #rollercoaster #mindset #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #neda #itsadailyroutine