This may be a LONG post I sure do love to write but I’m Proud of what is about to be read and excited to express!:)
Hey darlings, I hope y’alls Christmas season was special and you made many memories! I would have to say this Christmas was a big step for me. This Christmas was my first Christmas without my Eating disorder taking everything over. My mentality was free of obsession of what’s okay or not okay to eat. What to do after I ate, etc. This Christmas Eve and day I didn’t have to go in guarding my self on what others may think or say to me about my dinner plate. Instead I had many ask me questions about my tattoo and not once was my actual Ed journey brought up but how much they loved my tattoo and they encouraged me to eat as much as I could! Probably the best thing they could say! THIS CHRISTMAS IS THE FIRST CHRISTMAS FOR ME BEING SOBER FROM ANY AND ALL ED!!! 🙌🏻👏🏻
I would have to say it’s been a journey, to be honest no one ever knew, unless it was someone that I dated. I never was one to open up about my feelings until lately. I always only told the person I was dating when I felt most comfortable. So when I opened up about my ED this year to family and friends. I had no idea what to expect back. There was multiple types of responses, that could of fled me backwards but thanks to knowing when to open up and always referring to this photo. I always knew that was a lifestyle I chose to not look back to ever again and to grow and prosper as who I am now within.
-Remembering how I can’t keep looking back at the what if’s in the rear view window of life but look forward and focus on the now and the road ahead. Bc when I get stuck looking back is when I’ll miss the greatness that’s ahead of me or even right beside me!!
I have finally gotten the courage to share my story here after a picture was taken of me at the beach October 18th. This was a turning point for me. That weekend was filled with so much love and care by people that were rather new in my life and had no idea about my struggle. A simple photo of me was taken in my bikini after eating and feeling so much love on the trip. Not thanking twice about turning back to my (bulimia, anorexia, or orthorexia). This is when I realized I had made a change in my life and I didn’t even realize it. This photo reminds me everyday as my screensaver on my phone, of the beauty God has given me and that I must take care of my body. It’s the only one I ever will get. This photo flooded me with so much love for myself and my body and mind. It was the first photo of myself I was just so care free and truly comfortable in my own skin! It just showed me a journey that flashed like a video In my mind of where I was to where I am and where I can be! So beautiful and truly brought me to tears, I was literally bawling.
Thankfully, I have finally gotten the courage to share my story to anyone and everyone now! To help encourage others, to be there and be a listener. Be the person I wish I had and to be aware of those around who may be hiding from others like I was. I’m so thankful for the ones I have in my life and this self love challenge I went on for the 25 days of December. The lovely advice and live videos of Melissa wells herself and all the lovely ladies being so vulnerable. Truly beautiful to see.
-For several years I had suffered from ED. Never truly feeling worthy enough. It ruined me for years, I’m thankful for the ones who knew and could handle to stay but don’t blame the ones who couldn’t. People can say it started off young, I would wake up some mornings and tell my mum, that I don’t like bread crust, chocolate, cheese, etc. and it was always completely random but very easy for me to flip my mind over to believing it was bad for me to that I didn’t like even if I adored it. But truthfully it truly deeply started back in high school my junior year when I felt no love and fell into the hospital. The only way I felt I could numb my pain from hurts from others throughout my years and for people to realize I was hurting. This brought attention to my pain but not the true underlining hurts. It’s easy to say after counseling I started to get better but they weren’t fixing my underlining problem. Just my obvious hurts, not my hidden Ed. Mentally- I was either very emotional or like a rock and nothing hurt me(numb), I was self-conscious constantly, and which seemed like I was always on guard from others or I’d crumble and physically – I hated what I looked like and thought I couldn’t be pretty enough without being super tiny but needing a big butt and big breast. I mean this is what society tells us.
This created body dysmorphia which I struggled to believe I had for years. I used to see myself as not fit enough or not tiny enough, or not large enough bust. Now looking I want to cry and sometimes do, I was way to small and easily bruised. Everyone loved how small I was but never knew how much it took out of me to get me there. My body is beautiful just the way it is now, so thankful I can finally see that and love this!
-Just like any recovery I had months or weeks that I was recovered, but then something emotionally draining would happen and it would lead me to relapsing. I wasn’t fully recovered emotionally to be recovered truly.
-That’s why when I finally saw myself as happy and whole back in October, it was a turning point for me. I then chose who I allowed to affect me and not in my mentality. Who to allow in my life or come to realization who to kick out because they were only hurting me.
-This photo holds so much weight to me, and I’m beyond thankful for this day and the memories that followed!
-This self love challenge I have went on has just grown me more and more and truly helped me better myself and grow!
-To sum it up…. I have had a few sober months with no relapses and in my heart I truly fully believe that I have over come this haunting disorder that over took me. I listen to my worth and my body. I provide and give it what it wants and needs. No longer under a society spell to satisfy some worthy scale, i no longer only eat a super small amount jus to get me by, I no longer specifically eat only what looks healthy and obsess over the good foods and I no longer throw up after eating a meal, because of feeling empowered when I do or feeling unworthy for that meal.
MY BODY has lead me to a better lifestyle with honestly leaving me in the best shape I’ve been which seems like ever. I am so beyond proud how far I’ve come, short or long, a journey is as unique as the one in it, not one to compare to or judge but one to love within it and care about and to show self love to!
-I started my website and instagram rather recent back in November was my first post for my journey and body love and positivity Instagram. BUT I have always felt that my purpose was to inspire and help others in the best way I can and know how! I want to be able to help others along there journey and express that I understand where they’re at and that I’ve been in there shoes. I’m not just someone who has knowledge of this and feel like they know it all because of some books or schooling but no I’ve been through this and conquered it. Leaving my enemies of Ed in my past to never see again. I’m a warrior princess!🥰
-With doing this and opening up, I’ve managed to come across quite of a lot of people I had no idea whom had struggled as well or need some help. Just from me opening up have led me to helping others in there journey and hopefully start a beautiful chain reaction! Now who would of thought that I’d be here today expressing my emotions and telling my story to help another. But I’m sure thankful I am! So what I’m trying to say is, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. YOU MUST JUST SET YOU MIND TO IT AND BE DETERMINED AND YOU GOT THIS!
**** YOU TOO CAN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF AGAIN AND TRULY FEEL THIS SELF LOVE I FEEL TODAY AND LONGED FOR SO MANY YEARS!! 💗
-Now believe me when I say this I am not perfect, I’m perfectly imperfect. No one is 100% perfect but each one of us is perfect in there own imperfect ways. That’s the beauty with this thing called life. We each bring something a little special to it. But I understand I’m a work in progress but we all have our quirks, so please understand this if you come across someone who struggles or even with yourself, be patient and loving and caring and kind.
-This perfect scale so many of us think of or see is just make believe and irrelevant to your true inner beauty that can’t be measured and is so evident to so many! Please try to see this!
*If anyone can relate or want to just have a community to come to, you’re not alone, I do the same thing! Now my inbox is always open, to vent, talk or just to have an listening ear to speak to!:) I believe community is important and following pages that help you along your journey and encourage you is vital! Just like this group, it’s makes me very comfortable to be in and see y’alls lovely post and the support y’all bring! And my dreams are for one day to speak to thousands of my journey and triumph and be able to help as many as I can. But that starts with the one. You must care for the one before you can care for the thousands! So today that’s what I’m doing! Loving on those I can and caring for all those I can reach!
(Now if any one would like to follow my journey and story I have my Instagram page that is
https://www.instagram.com/bodyloveandpositivity/)
-I can’t wait to see what 2019 brings! I already have my New Years plans set out for me. And I feel so empowered and ready for this journey ahead of me. 2019 bring it on, I have a beautiful mind set prepared and healthy for you and this new year and I wish it upon all you lovelies in this page as well!!
P.S. here is that photo of me in a bikini that kick started my true self love for myself and my body (this is the photo I have as my screensaver, that I added loving words to as well to be reminded everyday) and knowing that Victoria secret body’s are false advertising and seeing your bones is not healthy. Also here is a photo of my tattoo of triumph and recovery and beauty!! (each color has a meaning, the word, writing and style as well all have purpose!)
This is me! 